Can I just say something? In a world where the standards are low and the male ego is high, it seems that men have become the tequila and women have evolved into the chaser. But what about the women who still yearn to be desired, chased, and sought after? Should modern dating be an equal playing field where men and women both meet in the middle? Should men do the pursuing? Or have the roles reversed like an episode of Sex and the City — except this time, Mr. Big is the one analyzing conversations, overthinking, and waiting by the phone, drunk on a Cosmo?
Is this a generational pattern? Financial? Confidence? Or just a sign of the times? Or is it simply a form of Darwinism? Could it be that it is a matter of us women letting men do their job in a world where we are just as capable ourselves? Believe me, it’s harder than you think when you are a strong, self-sufficient woman, used to being on our own.
Reflecting back on some of my recent experiences in dating and reminiscing about the men I’ve spent time with, I feel like there is something to be said for age playing a factor in modern dating. There was a time period where I was into silver foxes — yes, the George Clooneys and Pierce Bronsons of the world — men who had lived, learned, and, at least in theory, mastered the art of pursuing a woman. They knew how to order a proper drink, carried themselves with confidence, and understood that romance wasn’t just some outdated concept confined to black- and-white films. They made plans, picked up the phone instead of texting “wyd,” and didn’t leave me deciphering some cryptic emoji like it was a CIA mission.
When I went out with one Silver Fox in particular, who I was seeing for a short time, he took the lead in every way — picking me up, calling me first, even ordering for me at restaurants. He wouldn’t let me pay for anything, either. But those weren’t the only differences in dating someone older. After our first date, he was already calling me his girlfriend, which left me feeling confused. I couldn’t help but wonder if it meant something different to him.
Within that same time period, I started dating the Storm, who was probably 15 years younger than the Silver Fox, but still 10 years older than me. Both age and different life circumstances were shifting dynamics in these two situations. The Silver Fox was wealthier and more established, while the Storm was still figuring things out in his career. In the beginning, he would pay for everything, but as time went on, he started to pull back — not just financially, but in his overall effort. Suddenly, I found myself making the plans, reaching out first, and splitting the check. It was as if the initial spark had faded, and he no longer felt the need to impress me.
As things faded between the Storm and me, I started seeing another guy, an actor, who’s my exact age, and that felt like a much more equal playing field. We both initiated plans, and I remember sitting across from him at a hotel bar having drinks when he said, “Maybe next time you’ll get the tab.” Listen, I’m all about being an independent woman, but I’m also a bit old school, and there’s something to be said for a man paying for and pursuing a woman. It feels like a metaphor for how he feels about you. He was also the most consistent and probably the most down-to-earth of the bunch. Maybe it was more neutral ground because I didn’t feel like he was playing any games. Could it be that, when both people are confident and secure with themselves and each other, it doesn’t matter who’s pursuing whom? Or who pays?
Keep in mind, none of these relationships worked out romantically.
I decided to turn to Instagram and conduct a poll: In your perfect world, are men or women pursuing the relationship? Or should they meet somewhere in the middle?
The results actually really surprised me: 38% answered men, 8% responded women, and the majority voted both at 54%.
Of those who voted for men, 90% were women, and 10% were men. Interestingly, 100% of those who voted for women were men. Among those who voted for both, 31% were male and 69% female. I was surprised by these numbers, especially seeing that there were men who wanted women to do 100% of the pursuing. This might be a controversial take, but I think it says something about men with that perspective. Two conclusions come to mind about men who aren’t willing to put in effort when it comes to dating: 1. They may be too insecure to make a move, fearing rejection, and 2. They might not be putting in the effort because they’re simply not motivated. Do you really want a guy who’s not willing to put in any effort from the start? If he’s not willing to pursue you early on — when people are typically at their best — what does that say about how he’ll treat you later?
A balanced stage can absolutely work if that’s what you’re comfortable with, but for a man to expect a woman to do all of the initiating seems off. Men are meant to be hunters and initiators in the dating game — the chaser, not the tequila. It’s one thing to give a man the nudge he needs to make the first move, but if he isn’t willing to make that move from the start, it’s a red flag that could indicate how little effort he’ll put into the relationship down the line.
Dating is about energy and intention. A man who refuses to take initiative is showing you exactly what kind of partner he’ll be: passive, unmotivated, and likely expecting you to do all the emotional labor. Relationships require mutual effort, but there’s something to be said for a man who steps up, takes the lead, and shows genuine interest without being forced into it.
So, while the poll suggests that most people believe in meeting in the middle, the reality is, effort matters. And if a man can’t even be bothered to pursue you in the beginning, chances are, he’s not going to magically become Prince Charming later.
I think there are a variety of factors that have shifted the dating game into what it is today. The rise of dating apps has created an environment where effort is minimal, and options are endless. Social media has inflated egos, making some men believe they don’t need to pursue anyone because another match is just a swipe away. And on the flip side, women have become so independent and self-sufficient that many have stopped expecting men to put in the work (myself included).
But does that mean we should accept this new norm? Or should we demand more? Because at the end of the day, being pursued isn’t just about outdated gender roles — it’s about feeling valued and desired. And while balance is important, I don’t think wanting a man to take initiative makes a woman high-maintenance; it just means she knows her worth.
Xoxo,
Alexandria