Tip while reading this article: Read while listening to “Casual” by Chappell Roan
Can I just say something? The Storm’s sudden reappearance in my life is like a hurricane on a stranded island where only I exist — no one else might be affected, but I feel it. The other day, I woke up with a message from him asking if I’m in town (as in LA). This is the first message since I accidentally requested to follow him a couple weeks ago, and we exchanged a few messages, which included me telling him about Love, Sex, LA.
The answer was no, I’m not in LA. I’m in Arizona visiting my family. How long are you in LA for?
Not sure. 🤷♂️🎉
Well, hopefully, you’ll be there when I get back.
He liked the message.
That was it. So few words, but they carried a lot of weight. At least to me, they did. Maybe to him, they didn’t. Maybe I was just one option of many. But I’d like to believe that isn’t the case. But if we hung out, would it be as friends? More? Pick up where we left off? What are we? Two people who once felt something for each other and suddenly became strangers. Are we starting over? Or is this simply the middle of our story? Are we meant to be in each other’s lives in some capacity? Lovers? Friends? More? Less?
As I watch summer evolve into fall, I can’t help but think about the evolution of relationships. One minute, someone can be the love of your life, your soulmate — you can’t imagine a world without them in it. Next thing you know, you’re suddenly strangers who aren’t talking. From hot to cold. Summer to fall. Leaves changing colors, temperatures dropping.
But can you evolve into something more than strangers, less than lovers? Can you be friends with someone you were once in love with? Or can you be something new altogether? Like a reincarnation of relationships? Can two hearts reincarnate into flowers?
I think this is a question we all want to answer one way, but reality has a way of complicating things. Being friends means you’re okay watching them date other people. Being friends means you don’t secretly hope for reconciliation. But let’s be real — do friends know what their friends taste like? I want to believe that there are certain people I can be friends with despite our history, but I think it would be easier said than done.
The truth is, I would be hurt the minute I saw them with someone else. In fact, it would be a rude awakening, and the word “friend” would suddenly hold so much more heaviness.
Could I sit across from them, laughing over coffee, knowing that they once held my heart in their hands and that someone else now gets to kiss them goodnight? I’m not sure. I know one thing is for sure…if I saw the Storm with another girl, my heart would break, melt, cease to beat. And I know if he saw me with someone else, he would not be happy at all. Even if he could pretend.
There’s a certain intimacy that lingers between two people who have shared more than just memories. It’s like a spark that never fully burns out, always simmering beneath the surface. And maybe that’s the problem — how can you call someone a “friend” when every hug, every smile feels like a reminder of what once was? When you’ve memorized the way they laugh, the way they feel when their hand brushes against yours?
I mean, come on, remember season two, episode 16 of Sex & The City? Carrie thinks she can be “friends” with Big. They go to lunch and she says to him, “Okay, tell me about the girl…friends talk about their relationships.”
Mr. Big begins to express his thoughts on his girlfriend and Carrie immediately interrupts and says, “Okay, enough. Don’t tell me about the girl…maybe we should make a pact. We don’t talk about our relationships until they get really serious, or something. Okay?”
Mr. Big tells her it is serious and that he is engaged…and Carrie loses her shit, right in the middle of the restaurant. Why? Because she loved him and in that moment that love she had for him fueled hope inside of her that things could be reconciled, and even more so, that being his friend would keep him around until they were back together.
I turned to Instagram to find out what other people thought. I wondered if it was just me, or if others had experience in the realm of befriending someone they loved.
I posted a poll on my story that asked, “Can you be friends with someone you were in love with?” The results were 41% answering “yes” and 59% answering “no”. The people who answered yes, left me wondering if time had healed the wound and they spent time apart before becoming friends. I also wondered if they were ever truly in love with those people at all. A few people messaged me, elaborating on their responses.
One friend of mine, who is a music agent, said, “I’m friendly, but not friends.”
Another friend, a film producer, added, “Sure. I’m still friends with several women I once had feelings for, but it took time to get there. I think the fact that we were friends before any romantic involvement helped in the process. However, the main reason I’m able to remain friends with them is that I see them as fellow children of God, and my faith in Jesus Christ enables me to do so.”
A friend of mine, part of the LGBTQ community, also said, “It’s hard, but it is possible….I loved the person that he was, but I was in love with the idea of who we could be, and I had to come to the realization that we were better off being friends. It was a hard pill to swallow. But sometimes I think we get caught up in the spell of relationships without really taking the time to really sit back and put ourselves into the third person.”
Lastly, I decided to ask the Storm himself on his thoughts about all of this. He said, “Yes 1000%, I am.”
His words lingered in my mind like an echo. And the next day, I saw that he and his ex-wife had followed each other on Instagram again. Were they just friends? Or was this the start of his on-and-off again relationship with her that I somehow constantly found myself in the middle of? Whenever they didn?t work out, he called me. My heart sunk into my stomach when I saw and I realized…I don’t think I can be his friend.
I think once you love someone, that never really goes away. Maybe where it is distributed can evolve. But it goes somewhere…whether it be a friendship, relationship, or more. When you had love for someone at one point, it doesn’t just disintegrate into nothing.
It’s important to recognize the difference between being friends with an ex and being friends with someone you once truly loved. Maybe you can be friendly with an ex, but love…love cuts deeper.
It might take time and distance before you can step into that new dynamic. Because when feelings run that deep, the lines between friendship and love can blur, making it hard to find that balance without getting pulled back into old emotions.
I think about my high school ex-boyfriend and how in love I was with him. There was a point in my life where I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else, and I couldn’t imagine him with anyone else. It was a roller coaster on-and-off relationship that took place from when I was 16-24 years old. Ironically, a little less than a year ago, I ran into him while literally at the venue where he was getting married. It had been years, and we hadn’t talked or seen each other. Nothing. And there he was about to marry a woman whose name I didn’t know. Life seems to come full circle when we least expect it. But the craziest thing was, I expected to feel something, and I felt nothing. If anything, I was happy for him. So maybe time does aid in our feelings toward people. I could be friends with him. But was there really a point? We talked, and I congratulated him. Told his bride she looked pretty. That was that. All those years of pain, just to lead me to that point. Maybe it was the closure we’d always needed. A reminder that time heals the pain. And a reminder that you can love someone and move on. Evolve. Our hearts change.
At the end of the day, maybe it’s not about being friends with someone you loved. Maybe it’s about accepting that some relationships are meant to evolve into something new — something that doesn’t fit neatly into the boxes we create. Less than lovers but more than strangers. Something that acknowledges the past without getting stuck in it. Because sometimes, trying to hold on to the friendship is just another way of holding on to the love, and maybe, just maybe, letting go is the true evolution.
When I first wrote this article, I was under the impression that there was unfinished business between me and the Storm. But seeing his ex-wife’s name reappear on his Instagram, I realized I wanted no part of any of it. I needed to break the pattern that I was allowing. The same thing over and over…my finger hovered over the “block” button, questioning if I was being rash. It was so not my personality to do something like this and just block someone. I can usually handle being someone’s friend, no matter the situation. But I made the choice to block him. He texted me a few days later asking me if I deleted my Instagram. I sat on the message for a few hours, debating if I answer, if I tell the truth. I was stuck. I decided to tell the truth and told him I thought I could be friends, but I still had feelings for him. And that is where it was left.
There was no reason for he and I to be friends. Friends don’t hurt friends the way he has hurt me. Friends are okay with their friends re-following their ex-wife. Friends don’t keep you as a backup plan. Friends don’t leave you feeling confused. I realized that being his “friend” was just another way to keep myself tied to the hope of something more. But true friends don’t play with your heart like that. So, I let go — not out of bitterness, but out of self-respect. Sometimes, walking away is the only way to break the cycle and finally move forward. I didn’t want to be a masochist anymore and try to befriend a Storm that once took me down. Can two people who were once in love be friends? Yes. But I think it varies relationship by relationship. Sometimes it may take time and space, other times you can mutually agree to stay friends immediately after a breakup…in this situation, this Storm, I’m choosing to walk away from any friendship or relationship of any kind at this point.
As time passes, and we learn to let go of the ideas and fantasies we once imagined, it makes room for newer and better things to bloom. Letting go isn’t always the end — sometimes it’s the start of a different kind of love, one that defies the boundaries we try to define.
When you get swept up into the tornadoes of life, or when hurricanes come crashing over you, the most important thing to remember is: all Storms eventually come to an end…
xoxo,
Alexandria
Something to Ponder: Can you be friends with a person you were in love with?