When you’ve been a single baddie for a while, like myself, there comes a time when you just get tired of the mundane Hinge conversations, the late-night “Wyd” texts, and over the gentle forehead kisses that signal you’re about to get ghosted. You decide to take a vacation from the BS, focus on yourself, drive up PCH (just because), invest in a new pilates membership, and spend too much money on Erewhon smoothies. You delete your dating apps and pour into yourself and your friends. It feels amazing. You come out the other side toned, tan, confident and, dare I say, hopeful?
You proclaim to the universe (or maybe just your gals): “I’m ready to date again!” This should be fun, right?Then, you’re hit with a wave of anxiety.
What if I get hurt again?
What if nobody likes me?
What if I totally forgot how to kiss?
Where do I even start???
I hear you, bestie. Returning to dating after a hiatus can feel like a very bumpy ride. I know because I’ve been there (more times than I’d like to admit). So buckle up, because your resident dating coach is going to show you how to navigate your dating rebirth. But first, a story.
In July of 2022, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up. It was a long time coming because while we loved each other, we just weren’t the right fit. We decided to stay friends post- breakup (insert eye roll here) and as time went on, I felt more and more confident that I would be just fine, that I might even want to date again. Then in August, a month-and-a-half after we broke up, he got into a new relationship. A serious one. That he talked about with me. A LOT (seriously, girl —set some boundaries). And then came the apologies. As he tried to build a relationship with his new girlfriend, he realized how he had hurt me. Like the time he gaslit me over his friendship with a girl who had an obvious crush on him. Or the time he told me he would always prioritize his work over our relationship.
Those realizations mixed with a string of failed talking stages left me feeling not just sad but also insecure and pissed the f**k off. The kind of anger where you want to scream into a pillow and avoid making eye contact so you don’t accidentally laser someone with your glare.
“I’m done with these boys. As of now, I’m taking a break from dating,” I told my friends.
Fast forward to April of 2024 (yes, that long). After a lot of therapy, a lot of space from my ex, a few false starts with potential crushes, and a new career path, I decided that it was time. I was ready (not to mention, um, thirsty?). Let the boys know that Steph is back on the menu!
My main priorities were to date with intention, feel safe and sexy, and preserve the inner peace that I fought tooth and nail to establish. No more shitty boundaries, no more poor communication and no more letting a mediocre man define my mood or my worth. Here’s how I accomplished it.
Clarity
As a dating coach, I yap about clarity the way Carrie Bradshaw yapped about herself. But in my defense, it’s for good reason.
Imagine you’re starving, walking through Trader Joe’s and realize you forgot your shopping list. What’s in your cart when you walk up to the hot cashier? That’s right, it’s a bunch of impulse purchase snacks that might taste delicious in the moment but are likely to make you feel bad after the fact and that you’ll never want to eat again, and none of the things you actually needed.
The same logic applies with dating: it’s hard to find a partner who meets your wants and needs, makes you feel like a queen and treats you well, if you don’t know what to look for. True clarity is your dating superpower. This is where I started myself, and it’s where I start with all of my clients. I ask some key questions:
What are my core values?
How do I want to feel while dating? How do I want to feel with my next partner?
What behaviors do I want to change in myself when it comes to dating?
What treatment will I no longer accept in dating? What steps can I take to maintain these boundaries?
I realized that I value honesty, empathy, family, and communication. Throughout dating, I want to feel confident, grounded, and connected to my intuition. I want to actually have fun and enjoy getting to know new people. I want to feel optimistic that there are good men out there. And with my next partner, I want to feel seen, valued, adored, sexy, playful, and safe.
I confronted my not-so-hot behaviors, like my tendency towards passivity, my fear of expressing my feelings, and all the times I took my emotions out on my man.
I decided I would no longer accept hot and cold behavior, poor communication, or a man’s lack of clarity. I knew that I wanted commitment and vowed to stop dating the cute, indie, polyamorous, Silverlake boys (sad times, your girl loves a good mustache, nose ring, and tattoos).
And poof! A blueprint for dating begins to unfold.
Put Yourself Out There
Now that you have your guidelines, it’s time to put yourself out there. Whether you’re using Hinge, Tinder, Raya, Bumble, make sure your profile not only reflects who you are, but also what you’re looking for.
Focus on the filters that matter and leave the superficial ones behind. For example, if a long-term relationship is your goal, filter out the ones who are only looking for short-term fun, even if they’re open to long-term (WTF does that even mean?).
Whether you tend to be sassy, funny, or intellectual, choose prompts that allow your personality to shine through while also clearly stating what you’re looking for. It repels the boys who don’t fit the bill while attracting the ones who match your energy. Try to avoid negative language (i.e., what you don’t want). Use current photos (within the last six months) that you really like. Make sure to include pictures where your face is clear (no hats, no sunglasses), a full-body shot, one that showcases a hobby and stay away from group photos (side note, a dating profile audit and revamp is a great place to start, hit ya girl up!).
Don’t discount the in-person scene. Join a pickleball league, take a wine- tasting course, sign up for Time Left dinners and make sure your friends know that you’re open for business. You never know when a good set-up is right around the corner.
And while you’re out there on the apps or IRL, stick to your standards. Want to live that DINK lifestyle (dual income, no kids)? Don’t date the guy who’s dying to be a daddy. Looking for a committed relationship? Don’t swipe right on the short-term, fun man. Looking for strong communication? Lead by example and DO NOT keep spending the night with the guy who only hits you up every two weeks then disappears for days at a time.
Check Your Mindset
This may sound hippy-dippy but your mindset creates your reality. Not because you’re a witch but because our brains search for evidence that confirms what we already believe. So if you secretly believe that all men are trash, your brain will subconsciously look for more trash so it can say “See? I told you so.”
This starts with identifying your beliefs (more clarity? Yes, please), then replacing them with something optimistic and realistic. That means instead of swinging from “all men are trash” to “OMG men are always so wonderful!!!!”, you find the middle ground that feels right for you. Mindsets won’t stick if you don’t believe them. Try: “There are good men out there and I trust that I can sort the diamonds from the dirt.”
Some questions to ask yourself to help identify your dating mindset:
What thoughts come up when I open the dating apps? When I have a new crush? When I prep for a first date?
How do I usually feel between dates?
How do I feel about my ability to cultivate my ideal dating life/relationship?
Slow and Steady
I tell all of my clients that dating is a muscle. If you’ve been out of the game for a while, it takes some time and a lot of consistency to build up to your ideal dating life, especially if you’re trying to do things differently.
In my first few spin classes, I thought I would surely pass away because that sh*t is hard. It felt unfamiliar (it’s harder than riding a normal bike, okay?) until I got used to it, built up endurance and found my flow. You can think of dating in the same way. Whether you’ve got your dating routine dialed or are switching things up, returning from hiatus means investing the time and energy to rebuild muscle memory.
Start slow—two dates a month to avoid burnout and keep it fun. With the right mindset and a little grace, this could be your golden era of dating. Now go forth and date, icon!
