A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE EMOTIONALLY MOTION-SICK.
Coming fresh off a breakup, I’ve decided I’m no longer dating men with verbs for names. Because even if his name is Will, he won’t. Well, let me be fair, he will blindside you, he will watch your entire Instagram story within 4 seconds of posting it, and will have his sister DM you six months later “just to check in,” but when it comes to commitment or basic human decency? Will won’t. So, I’ve compiled a definitive list of verb-name men I will now be preemptively avoiding. Because nothing says emotionally unavailable quite like a man whose name literally describes movement away from you.
1. Chase will do literally anything but chase you.
Chase is an immediate no. He’s the type of guy who’s “not really looking for anything serious.” And if you go on a first date, he’s definitely splitting the bill with you.
2. Hunter screams “moderate” on Hinge, but we really know what that means. Hunter definitely has the classic fish pic on his dating profile, but he amped it up even more by posing next to the deer he killed last weekend. He hunts animals for sport, but commitment? That one got away.
3. Walker wants to “take things slow.”
That’s a breath of fresh air, really. Especially in this dating scene. But come eight months from now and he still hasn’t introduced you as his girlfriend? Pass! You’re dating a guy whose name implies casualness.
4. Archer? I hardly know her.
The name Archer is simply ruined for me because of the show Archer. Plain and simple. I haven’t even watched the show, I just know I’ll keep hearing the voice actor’s voice in my head at all times.
5. Dash is exhausting.
Dash drinks a sugar free Red Bull at 6am before his “consulting” job, whatever that is. He’s got money to spend so he’ll whisk you away for a spontaneous weekend in Vegas but he’ll forget to text you for two weeks straight.
6. Grant seems normal… until you realize he speaks exclusively in corporate buzzwords. Grant “circles back” on conversations and is looking for a “strategic partnership.” He’s a classic finance bro in a Patagonia vest. He’s not dating, he’s networking. You’re not his girlfriend, you’re a collaborative growth opportunity. He promises to “touch base” but somehow you’re always left on read.
7. Ryder is a fun ride…but always remember: safety first!
Ryder is that thirst-trap posting, Axe-smelling man child who definitely isn’t here for a relationship, he just wants a joy ride. He’ll make you feel alive and he’s a fun rebound, but just know you must be this lonely to ride and proceed with caution.
Moral of the story?
If his name sounds like an action or verb, run — ironically, a verb too. I’ll be over here dating emotionally stable, sedentary-named men like Daniel, Ben, or maybe even Blake if I’m feeling wild. I’ve retired from dating action verbs. I’m exclusively seeing nouns who text back.
About Devin:
Devin Ruskin is a Los Angeles based Lifestyle & Humor writer. She always orders fries for the table, manages to mention her cat in any situation and lives off of Iced Peach Green Tea. Follow her all over the internet @devinruskin
