with dating coach, Stephanie Salem
“Maybe they’re just busy.”
“Maybe he’s scared of his feelings for you.”
“Maybe they’re waiting to hear from you.”
“Maybe he’s just shy.”
Have you or someone you love ever been personally victimized by these excuses while waiting to hear from your crush or situationship? Whether you’re saying them to yourself or hearing them from folks around you, we sure do love to think of reasons why we should give people second, third, and hundredth chances when they’re putting in too little effort. You’ve been out once or twice and they seem like a great person so their behavior must just be a fluke, something that will pass if you give them enough time, space and patience. Most of my clients have been there, and so have I.
I recently looked back through an old journal and found a month and a half of entries, all focused on one guy. He was cute, charismatic and initially pursued me. We talked about our families, our dreams for the future, how he’d make a great father. And I spent pages and pages trying to convince myself that every time he liked my Instagram story it was a sign of his growing passion for me. I languished over whether or not to text him, what his every punctuation mark meant and why he might still ask me out again even though I hadn’t heard from him in a week. It wasn’t just me, either. My friends told me to be brave, reach out to him one more time because he was totally into me! After the third unanswered invite to hang out, I finally admitted defeat.
Why did I work so hard to prove my worth to someone who clearly wasn’t interested in me? Because instead of taking him at face value, I was dating this man’s potential. If this experience sounds a little too familiar to you, read on.
The Danger of Dating Potential
Looking back, I realized I was pursuing the fantasy of who I wanted this man to be. And that’s where so many of us get stuck. In the early stages, we know very little about the new person we’re dating. Based on a handful of details and a few feelings, we create a fantasy of who this person could be, attach ourselves to that image and stick around in hopes that the story we’ve created will come to fruition.
For example, my childhood crush asked me out a couple years ago. He was incredibly honest, confident and self-aware, talked about psychology, joked around, shared his thoughts on God — and bing, bang, boom, after
two dates I was completely obsessed. I created an image of who this man was: communicative, bold and secure, ready to give me exactly what I wanted. It didn’t matter that I didn’t hear from him for a week after our date, didn’t matter that he slept through our FaceTime date because in my fantasy, he was my Prince Charming who just needed a second to step up. Spoiler alert, he did not step up.
My image of him was beautiful and maybe one day, with the right partner, he will be that person. But in that moment, his actions were telling me everything I needed to know but was unwilling to see.
I’ve seen this happen myself, with my friends, and with many clients. The initial chemistry and potential is so exciting, especially when you’ve been stuck in a disappointing, dating slump. If only they reached out more, were more expressive, took more initiative, matched your effort, they’d be absolutely perfect.
And while you’re hooked on them, consumed by the thought of what could be, bouncing between the highs of their breadcrumbs and the lows of their silence, you’re blocking yourself off from people who can give you what you want and make you feel safe. While it’s nice to assume good intentions, please take people at face value and decide if their actions make you feel seen, valued, and secure enough to continue pursuing.
Signs of Potential, Not Reality
Unsure about your current crush? Here are some ways to figure out if you’re pursuing their potential.
- Confusion: When you really boil it down, if someone wants to spend time with you, they will. When someone likes you, their actions will show it. If you’re feeling confused, they aren’t giving you the reassurance, consistency and validation that you deserve.
Red Flag: “He said he wanted to hang out again but didn’t make any plans and hasn’t texted me in a week but he liked my Instagram story last night. I don’t get it!”
2. Excuses: “He’s actually super slammed with work right now, plus he seems really sensitive so maybe he’s just being shy.” As soon as I heard myself say these words, I knew I was cooked. Take people at face value because their actions will tell you everything you everything you need to know.
Red Flag: Constantly explaining away their lack of effort and trying to convince your friends that they’re actually great when you get to know them.
3. Overanalyzing: If you’re picking their messages, DMs, and body language apart trying to figure out what it all means, babe you are working too hard.
Red Flag: “They gave me a hug but didn’t kiss me and complimented my smile but didn’t hold my hand and OMG they used a period instead of an exclamation point, WHAT DOES IT MEAN??!”
4. Anxiety when you don’t reach out: Feeling nervous that the connection will disappear into oblivion if you don’t initiate? Uh-uh, honey. In this house, we stan initiative and reciprocity; if you’re stuck in the anxiety loop, those factors are definitely missing.
Red Flag: “I invited them to hang out last time and they said yes and I was hoping they’d initiate this time but they haven’t, yet, and I really want to see them again and what if they forget about me I’ll just casually ask them to come grab drinks, no big deal.”
Sweep Away the Breadcrumbs
So how do you escape the loop of empty potential? How do you break free from the cycle of overanalyzing and waiting for someone to change? Start by sitting back and observing. People usually show you exactly who they are, if you’re willing to see it. Rather than decoding every little interaction or trying to make something happen, see what goes down when you take a step back. You aren’t waiting for them to prove themselves, you’re just taking the time to observe how their actions fit with your desires.
Take stock of your general mood. For most of my clients in these situations, they often feel an overall sense of anxiety and looming discomfort. In a recent session, one client told me that despite the great date and his grand statements of interest, she felt
anxious and confused about her man. When she reached out for clarity, he shared that he’d realized he didn’t have the bandwidth for a relationship right now. Your ideal relationship should make you feel secure, safe and prioritized. If someone’s behaviors leave you feeling anything less than the amazing babe that you are, they are not giving you enough. Trust your intuition when it tells you that there is misalignment between what you want and what you’re feeling right now.
Finally, look at your own behavior. Working double-time or trying to be perfect in order to convince your crush to pick you is a sign that your efforts are not being matched. If they wanted to be with you, if they had the desire, bandwidth, and availability to be with you, they would. It’s as simple as that. Call your friends, buy some ice cream, and let yourself feel the sadness in letting go of the fantasy you built. It’s a huge bummer but you, your inner child, and your nervous system deserve way better than someone whose actions leave you feeling on edge.
Get clear on what it is you want out of a relationship, your standards, and your deal breakers — and STICK. TO. THEM. After a string of rejections or disappointments, it’s easy to dismiss some of our requirements because we want to feel the rush of chemistry, we’re excited at the thought of a new person, or we’re sick of feeling lonely. But abandoning your wants and needs only serves to perpetuate the cycle of disappointment. If you can feel that excitement with someone who offers so little, just imagine how amazing you’ll feel with someone who willingly and joyfully does everything they can to meet your needs!
A Gentle Reminder
It’s okay to want connection. It’s okay to want someone to choose you. And it’s okay to feel disappointed when a relationship doesn’t unfold the way you hoped. It is not a reflection of your worth, nor is it an indicator for your romantic future.
So next time you find yourself wondering whether to text someone who’s only giving you breadcrumbs, ask yourself: Am I responding to what’s real or am I chasing what I hope could be?
Healthy relationships are built on consistent action and clear communication. Your ideal person won’t leave you guessing, send you mixed signals, or feel like a puzzle you need to solve. You deserve the partner who makes you feel secure, valued, seen and grounded; every time you stick to your standards, you’re one step closer to finding the love you actually desire.
