“Let’s be friends,” I typed the words, re-read it once more, and pressed send.
We’ve all been there — sitting on the other side of a perfectly fine date, trying to convince ourselves that “nice” is enough. He was sweet, polite, and checked all the right boxes. But as I drove home, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing. No spark, no butterflies, just a lingering sense of boredom.
So, like countless daters before me, I sent the classic letdown text and moved on. But was I making the right call, or was I too quick to write him off?
This date happened during what I like to call my “shotgun dating” phase where I was going on four dates per week in a desperate search for love (or attention). Long before I was a dating coach or even knew how to date in a healthy way, I was super quick to dismiss the people I deemed boring while diving headfirst into fireworks which ultimately led to me sticking it out with people who really didn’t treat me well (welcome to anxious attachment).
We’re all looking for that special connection with a person who excites us, treats us well and makes us feel completely at ease yet totally alive. But if you don’t feel something on the first few dates, how do you know when to stick it out or when to call time of death on a so-so connection?
On the one hand, it can take some time to open up and a connection could grow over time. On the other hand, why should you spend time with someone you aren’t interested in? Personally, I’ve never had a relationship work if I started with distinct disinterest. But, what I have learned from my clients and through my own experiences is that there is a big difference between boredom and true incompatibility. In order to differentiate, we need to learn to recognize when our intuition is speaking to us, and when we’re falling into old, unhealthy attachment patterns. Here’s how you can make that happen.
Trust Your Gut
Intuition is your gut instinct, the one that tells you when something does or doesn’t feel right. First impressions aren’t everything, especially because first date nerves can make us act pretty weird, but if you’re on a date with someone and it feels off, don’t ignore that. Ask yourself a few questions:
- How do I feel while spending time with this person?
2. How do I feel after spending time with this person?
3. Are their values aligned with mine?
4. Are there glaring red flags?
5. Are there clear green flags?
These answers can give you tons of insight into whether or not you’re compatible. You want to feel good with your partner, not drained, anxious or confused. And if it takes some time to learn how to listen to your intuition, that’s okay. Early last summer, I went on a great first date with a guy who seemed incredible. He had his own business, goals for the future, owned a cute dog and he smelled good. On paper, he was ticking my boxes left and right. But when I debriefed with my friends after the date, I felt overwhelmingly uneasy. My friends were so excited I had met someone mature and thoughtful, though, so I chose to ignore my feelings. We hung out for a couple months before I got sick of his poor communication and lack of consistency. Turns out that while this sweet boy wanted a relationship in the future, he was 100% emotionally unavailable in the present. That unease I felt after our first date? Yeah, that was my intuition trying to get my attention. And honestly, I’m glad that, that connection played out the way it did because it helped me become better acquainted with my intuition for the future. Your intuition is here to protect you and any experience that helps you connect with it is a win in my book.
Know Your Attachment Patterns
You’ve probably heard of attachment styles before but in a nutshell, they’re the way we build new connections. We want to aim for secure attachment because that’s how we form healthy, safe, fulfilling relationships but if you trend more anxious, avoidant or disorganized, it’s 100% possible to move towards security. When you know your attachment style and can recognize the ways it shows up in your dating life, it helps you make more informed decisions. Whether you historically stick around for too long or are quick to cut and run, ask yourself:
- Do I actually feel happy and supported in this relationship, or am I hoping this person will change into what I need?
2. Am I truly uninterested, or am I pulling away because opening up to a new person feels scary?
While you should never force something that doesn’t feel right, if that person is consistent, thoughtful, grounded and aligned with your values, consider giving them another chance!
Rethink Chemistry
It’s time to talk about “the spark,” that rush of excitement and instant chemistry we sometimes feel with someone new. That heart fluttering, floating on champagne bubbles feeling you get after a seemingly fantastic first date. Don’t get me wrong, attraction and chemistry are important, and you absolutely deserve to date someone who you’re drawn and attracted to. But instant chemistry can be super misleading, often indicating we’re repeating unhealthy attachment patterns. Remember my story at the beginning when I turned down the nice boy because of boredom? Yeah, that wasn’t actually boredom. If you’re used to sparks, connecting with a secure, attentive person can feel boring because it’s so unfamiliar. However, chemistry can grow and you might find that that “boring” person is actually pretty great for you.
This has been the biggest shift in my dating life and is a total game- changer for my clients. Let your intuition speak but if she isn’t saying a strong “no”, maybe give the nice boy another chance. At the very least, you’ll score a free coffee and a front- row seat to some top-tier West Hollywood people-watching.
Effort & Momentum
I always tell people that dating and relationships don’t need to be hard, but they do take effort. In the early stages of dating, mutual effort creates momentum and that’s how you build a new relationship. I’m not saying you should rush through new relationship milestones, or bend over backwards to make time for your new person. But you both have to show up consistently, honestly and intentionally. Ask yourself:
- How much effort am I putting into this connection?
2. How much effort are they putting into this connection?
3. Are we matching each other’s energy?
4. Is my level of effort sustainable compared to their effort?
Basically, if you’re putting in way more effort, always initiating, always planning or if communication feels forced, it might be time to call it. You deserve better, babe.
The Bottom Line
In the end, you know yourself best and have to make the decision that’s right for you. Dating doesn’t have to be about instant fireworks, nor does it have to be about drawn-out uncertainty. By staying tuned into ourselves with mindful reflection, we can spend more time and energy on people who will actually make us happy. Whether you’re giving the chemistry room to grow or walking away from something that doesn’t serve you, just remember that you are smart, intuitive and a total bad bitch.
