Can I just say something? Why is it that the moment you feel the shift, where it seems everything has changed, they always seem to detach? Do you know what I’m talking about? That shift where you feel the connection blossom into something much bigger than you ever anticipated, and you know (or at least expect) to hear from them more, for things to accelerate at a quicker speed. And you know they feel it too. But for some reason, sometimes it’s like the shift scares them and they run in a completely different direction. Let me share with you the shift that I experienced.
After the Storm got back with his ex-wife for a second time, I was devastated, because I felt like we had this dynamic and real connection that he was taking for granted, or was I crazy? Was I reading the room wrong? But I knew in my gut and in my chest, I wasn’t.
Despite their reconciliation, it did not stop the Storm from talking to me. Not only that, it didn’t stop him from deciding to work with my sister (he’s a music manager, she’s a singer). Suddenly our lives became even more intertwined. Talk about blurring the lines…
Anyway, not only did he start working with my sister, but he invited us to stay at his Airbnb for Coachella…yes, with his ex-wife/current partner at the time, too. I was taken aback, to say the least. When he first invited us, I’ll admit, the idiot in me was excited, hoping that it meant he and the ex-wife were done. Why I’d wait around for anyone who was obviously choosing someone else, is stupid, but I can?t deny that I still had feelings for him, even if it was wrong. And that makes me human. Sorry, I’m not a robot, I’m not AI-generated. Unfortunately, I have a fool’s heart.
But about a month after he and the ex got back together, (surprise) they ended things again. Right before Coachella, and no, I did not stay at that Airbnb. Neither did she apparently. Anyway, who do you think he called when they broke up?
Yes, and he invited me to Barney’s Beanery, an iconic spot on Route 66 in West Hollywood, with him and his friend who was living with him. Me and my sister met them there. But the dynamic between us was so strange. It’s like we were friends, and I let him vent to me about his failed marriage, while at the same time, we were so drawn to each other and craved each other’s energies. Energy doesn’t lie and I felt it. The minute he saw another guy hitting on me, he came and wrapped his arm around me and told me, “I need a cheerleader” while he played pool. I have a lot of guy friends, and that is not what they do. Friends don’t care if friends get hit on by other people. Just saying.
I left early that night…
That was that. Friends but more, but just friends.
Then he went to Coachella. I didn’t. But when he came back, he started messaging me nonstop, asking me to hang out. But a few days passed before we finally did. I met him at his office in Venice and drove to his place in Hermosa. We sat outside and listened to music (Country music to be specific because that is his favorite). The thing about the Storm and I is there was this underlying friendship — I know I’m repeating myself, but it was such a significant part of our relationship. So when we hung out, it felt like a friendship but at the same time, it was deeper than that. Deeper than friendship. Deeper than romance. More like poetry.
We walked down the boardwalk to a restaurant that had live music. We hung out and ate. Talked. Then we went back to his house. Jesus Christ. Please get ready to cringe at me. So, the Storm suggested we get in his hot tub. But his “hot tub” was his bath upstairs. Say what you want, but, like, there is a difference between a bathtub and a hot tub. Also, he got completely naked. I know I’m 30 years old, and to most that’s not a big deal. But it’s a big deal to me! Especially because I had feelings for the Storm and he and his wife just broke up again…I mean, giving him pieces of me when he could potentially turn back to her is a risk I wasn’t willing to take yet. So what did I do?
I asked for a pair of boardshorts, did not take my top off, and only put my feet in. I think he was confused, but shit, so was I. I mean, only a week prior, he was with his ex-wife. He had confided in me about their problems. And now here he was naked in his bath, and here I was…not. Our relationship had become more chaotic than the Erewhon smoothie bar at lunch hour. Despite that chaos, I kept going back for more. I’ve never been addicted to a drug or even tried a drug, but the chaos of the storm was a drug that I was ingesting without even realizing I’d become addicted to. The push and pull. The excitement and passion of it all.
We ended up leaving his place in Hermosa, and he came over to my place in Beverly Hills because my mom was in town and he wanted to come hang out with the family. So we went to my place, bought my niece ice cream, and had a Taylor Swift dance party with her.
We hung out again the next day and the day after. He invited everyone (as in my family) that Saturday to a show in Malibu at the Aviator Nation store where another one of his artists was performing. Me, my mom, and two of my sisters went. They left early but he told me he’d drive me home later if I wanted to stay. So I did. I stayed and helped him while he also interviewed other people who were playing at this show.
We took a break for a little bit and walked to the Malibu Pier. While we were there he took another girl’s call right in front of me — he would do that at times. He would act like he was indifferent. Like we were friends despite the moments he tried pursuing me. But reflecting on it all, I was there when another guy was hitting on me and he needed my attention…when he told me he made a “bet with God” that he’d do something good in return if we ended up together. I was there when he’d talk about his past, his demons. So I refused to believe that he looked at me as just a friend…
The dynamic of whatever we were was more bizarre with every encounter. Especially because he’d never actually make me think he was with any other girl. It was weird. Like, he’d talk to girls in front of me, as if he was trying to make me jealous, but made it seem like he was only with me. And he would make it obvious to other girls that he was with me. When he hung up, we sat there, staring out at the infinite water…
“I self-sabotage most good things in my life,” he told me.
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I just do. It’s not like I have anyone else to blame for things. I tend to just self-sabotage.”
In this specific instance, he was referring to his drug use — he’s been 9 years sober now, but, I think that revelation he shared about himself actually applied to more than just drugs. I think that he was so scared to feel because he feels in such large amounts that he ruins things before they ruin him. My guy friends told me I gave him too much credit and made up too many excuses for him, but I don’t think life is as black and white as we think. There’s a lot of grey area.
Anyway, that night we went out with his friends to one of their birthdays. It was at an 80s-themed bar in Koreatown. That night is what I’ll call the second shift: where feelings were no longer being held down by gravity, and it felt like everything was floating away out of our grasp. It started when we got to the bar — Break Room 86. We entered through a retro vending machine and were quickly transported into a vibrant, neon-lit world straight out of the 80s. The atmosphere was electric, with classic 80s hits blaring from the speakers, people dressed in their best retro outfits, and the air thick with nostalgia and excitement.
The Storm and I arrived before his friends, and I could feel the energy between us shift the moment we stepped inside. It was as if the music and lights amplified every emotion, every unspoken word. We got drinks — him a ginger beer as usual because he doesn’t drink, and I just got a club soda…I couldn’t shake the feeling that something significant was about to happen.
We danced together to the music that came before my time, our bodies moving in sync. It felt like we were the only two people in the room, lost in our own world. And it was in that moment I felt the shift begin. He kept kissing my forehead. Pulling me into him. Yes, we’d kissed before, but this was different. The energy was different. And I’m telling you energy doesn’t lie. He looked into my eyes, and I could see the same emotions reflected back at me. It was as if he was trying to say something, but the words were caught in his throat.
“You really know what you’re doing,” he said. But sadly, we never really told each other how we felt.
As the night came to an end, I knew that something had changed between us. We had the kind of connection where the entire car ride was silent, but it didn’t feel awkward or weird at all.
When he dropped me off back at my house that night, I told my sister I knew I felt a shift. And I knew he felt it too. And her words still haunt me, “I just hope he’s not an idiot…”
I hoped so too. I hoped he wouldn’t dismiss the connection. Run from it. Let it free…because I truly believe if we gave this connection a real chance, and let it consume us, it would be the realest thing either of us has ever felt.
But he was an idiot because the next day, no word. Maybe it was my own expectations that hurt me. Maybe I was a fool. But I knew what I felt, and I knew in my HEART he felt it too. Let me repeat myself: Energy doesn?t lie.
But come Monday, still no word. Were we back to where we started? Friends with feelings? What was this odd dynamic? What did he want? And where was it going? Do men pull back when they’re overwhelmed with feelings? Was he self-sabotaging like he admitted to me at the Malibu pier? What causes a man to pull back when they feel something for a woman?
I turned to Instagram and decided to ask people “Do you pull back when you start to catch feelings for someone?”
It turns out that 60% said they do pull back when they start to catch feelings, and 50% of those people were men.
In search of a more definitive answer, I went straight to the source: men. And who better than social media’s favorite dating mentor himself, Niko Emanuilidis of the Daddy Academy. I had the chance to talk to Niko and ask him some of the burning questions us women have about dating. I asked him if he thinks a majority of men tend to pull back when catching feelings for a girl.
“I don’t think men pull back when they catch feelings for a woman, in the early stages of dating if a man knows that this woman has everything he wants, he might handle things more cautiously in order to not mess it up. But you will never feel a true pullback at any point, it should always be a positive trajectory.
Now, I have heard and seen slight pullbacks close to when things become official, some women notice a slight pullback in a man. This could typically come after the ‘what are we conversation’, or when one feels eminent. Sometimes, a man might pull back ever so slightly around this time, around the three month mark, but really, this pullback shouldn’t last for more than a day or two, and it will be very subtle. If a man is pulling back way more significantly than that where you aren’t hearing from him for a week or two and the consistency and communication completely drops, that is the type of pullback where he is changing his mind.
The pullback I’m talking about is a man who is taking a day or so to process his feelings, think, and make the decision to move forward with you in a serious way.“
And how should women respond to that?
“As far as how women should respond to that, give the man his space. There is nothing you can say, or do to make someone change their feelings about you, so if you feel a pullback, respect the space and observe the behavior. We all have feelings that we process differently, some people need to sit with themselves without talking to the significant other and process them. A slight pullback for a day or two is completely normal, anything more than that you need to really take a look at and determine what is happening here.“
So, understanding that…is the shift a fear of feelings? Or is it merely a person’s way of establishing that they aren’t looking for something serious? I believe, because a person comes with experiences that shape them, and no two people have the same exact experiences, there is a grey area. It’s not just black and white. The majority of men looking for a relationship aren’t going to pull back. But there are men who may self-sabotage due to their past relationships that have ingrained a negative view of dating within them, or even from their own attachment styles that stem from their youth.
Us lover girls, often cling onto the good moments, even when they’re overshadowed by the bad. Does that make us fools for love? There’s a reason I refer to “the Storm” as a storm…it’s a strange dichotomy: the beauty of rainfall against the destructive power of a tempest that can devastate a city in seconds, yet leave a rainbow in its wake. We endure the stormy times, hoping for that rainbow, believing it’s worth the wait. But is it?
You’ll have to keep reading next week, to find out what happened next…
Xoxo,
Alexandria
Something to ponder: Do you detach when you feel a significant shift with a romantic relationship? How do you cope with someone who pulls back in a connection after a shift?