Can I just say something? Dating in Los Angeles feels like walking into a burning building in hopes of finding shelter. The irony is palpable. You think you’ve met someone worth the flames, only to discover that everyone is carrying their own baggage, often in the form of an ex lingering in the background. In today’s world, is modern dating just a constant band-aid for past relationships? The question is: Do we all have baggage we carry with us?
I’m a 30-year-old single woman navigating the tumultuous dating scene in LA, fueled by the likes of Raya and endless first dates that rarely evolve into anything substantial. Generally, I’m okay with this, I’ve never been much into serious relationships, because I’ve been so focused on my career…until I met a guy I’ll call the Storm. He came into my life like a refreshing rain but turned out to sweep through my life like a hurricane, leaving chaos in my chest — and now my heart sinks into my stomach whenever I hear his name. And he probably doesn’t even realize it. Or maybe he does…and I’m not sure which is worse.
The Storm and I met on Raya, a private, membership-based dating app. At the time, I was living at the L’ermitage Hotel in Beverly Hills in between finding a new apartment (call me Eloise). Honestly, I wasn’t into him at all at first (we love an enemies-to-lovers trope), in fact he annoyed me. But he was persistent and funny, and over time, I found myself surprisingly comfortable around him.
Fast forward to January of this year…I was settled in a townhouse in the heart of Beverly Hills. The Storm came over and it was that afternoon that our dynamic shifted, when he was trying to kiss me on my couch in my new place. He said something to me (that I will not include in this) that sparked an unexpected attraction. Suddenly, I wanted him as more than just a friend, and the intrigue ensued. I suddenly noticed his eyes and the way they stared at me. Dark eyes like a like a brown leather notebook, full of stories and words unsaid. But I wanted to know more.
On my birthday, I invited him and his friend to dinner with me, my sisters, and my mom (who came to LA for my birthday). This time around, I let him kiss me. More than happily. And more than once. I’ll call this, the first shift. Because there have been a few more since then.
The next day, he invited me to the studio in Venice he works at where he runs a celebrity gossip channel, and I go there. We spend the afternoon together, then go back to his house in Hermosa Beach. His house sits right on the boardwalk, a view of the water visible from his front door. There’s something magical about the energy there. Peaceful.
And I remember the feeling of just being with him, riding bikes along the boardwalk. It almost felt like I’ve known him forever, or maybe even in another lifetime. Afternoon turned into night and we all went out to Venice together — me, Storm, his friend, my sisters, my mom. He took us to all his favorite spots there — Belles, Winston House, and all of the crowded bars that line the streets of Windward Avenue. Can you imagine I dragged my mom out with us? There’s something very True Romance, Clarence and Alabama about his vibe. His leather jacket. His big personality and the way he suddenly goes quiet. A moodiness to him that intrigues me. But a messiness and relatability to him too like how he answers the phone with his mouth guard on.
Then the next day comes…
If you were waiting for the catch, here it is. Everything changes. I don’t hear from him. Not a sound. Not a text. Just a few random Instagram story likes. One day, one week, two weeks pass. What the…? Then I see a video he posts on Instagram of him interviewing an artist for the Grammy’s on the red carpet, I look a little closer. Am I seeing right? His wedding ring is back on his finger. My heart sank. Did I miss something? I knew he had an ex wife, but I didn’t know there was a possibility she’d reenter the picture. Was I the only one who felt what I was feeling?
Then another week passes and I get a text. The text.
“Hey! FYI I got back with my wife. But I really wanna be friends with u and ur sis! Can we make that happen? You girls are soo cool.”
A total gut punch. How could someone who pursued me so intensely suddenly revert to his past? Yet, I wasn’t deep enough into the situation to cut him off completely, so I agreed to remain friends. But, it wasn’t long before he and his ex-wife split again, and he was back in my life, stirring up old feelings. It was like knowing there’s going to be a second hurricane, and despite all the warnings, you walk right into it. Like you’re chasing a Storm. Who does that? Obviously me.
This time, it started up again…this time in Hollywood at the Bardot on a Monday, where I went and listened to a band he’s managing. It was like we picked up right where we left off. A part of me feels like it didn’t work out with his ex, because we had unfinished business and I know in my gut, he was thinking about me, in the same way I was thinking of him.
Our interactions felt even more intimate. We went shopping for him at Century City Mall (I’m sorry, shopping together is an intimate act if you ask me), went out to Eataly after, and went back to my place to watch a movie. We watched “Hot Summer Nights” but had to pause it in the middle because it was getting late and he had a 30 minute drive back from Beverly Hills to Hermosa. Well, that movie sat paused in the middle for a month. Because, just as quickly as he re-entered my life, he vanished. His ex-wife reappeared, and he slipped back into her orbit, leaving me in the dark once more. Why would I go back to him to begin with? How could something so idyllic suddenly feel so chaotic? But I don’t regret it. Because sometimes you have an unexplainable connection with someone, where things feel so familiar as if you’ve known them in a past life.
Why is this? Why do people perpetually live in the past despite a deeper connection with someone else? Is it fear-based? Nostalgia? Has the digital age actually made it more difficult to progress and move on? I decided to ask my friends about it. My good friend Julian, he works in real estate, and I were talking about his ex the other day, and he said he would’ve liked to make it work out so he doesn’t have to go through what I’m going through — dating in the year 2024, which is a complicated beast to say the least. Is it a nightmare for people to get to know someone new and to become vulnerable again with a person? Are past relationships so convenient that no one knows how to move on? And are new relationships just band-aids for baggage?
My other friend Lynn, she works in casting, was recently contacted by someone she dated ten years ago. He has a wife and kids now, and he reached out to Lynn, to let her know he misses his old life. Despite Lynn’s possible lingering feelings for him, the kind of baggage he comes with — an entire family — isn’t something she is looking to carry for him. This also forced me to look within, and question what kind of baggage I come with. A moment of heartache became an opportunity for introspection. And although, I don’t have an ex looming in the background at all times, I do have the blistering experiences of how an ex I dated a long time ago has affected my perception of relationships. There are times that I am afraid to communicate with people I’m seeing because of the traumatizing experience I had with an ex who I had tried communicating with before.
What if I had communicated more with the Storm? Despite our interactions and attraction, neither of us had expressed what we are looking for, where we see things going between us, and overall how we feel. Would communicating have changed the course of events? Or was this destined to play out the way that it has? Maybe the baggage I carry from my past is something that has shaped me so drastically, yet I never realized it until now. Until the Storm. Is it nearly impossible as adults over 30 living in this vast city, to find people without baggage? And despite maybe not even having exes and children, do we have our own baggage we tote around, invisible to the eye, but heavy on the heart?
The point is, we all have baggage. We all carry things with us that shape our future relationships and beyond, and it’s often heavier than we realize. In modern dating, it seems like we are constantly applying band-aids to wounds left by past relationships, trying to heal without addressing the root causes. If we allowed ourselves to feel the pain for a moment — hard to do with social media offering constant glimpses into our exes’ lives — I think we’d find more successful, real relationships. Instead of reverting back to toxic ones that might feel comfortable but have no sustainability, we need to move forward genuinely.
In the world of 21st century dating, the weight of past baggage can be overwhelming, and often, we end up merely serving as temporary fixes for deeper issues. Yet within the complexities of love, I believe the deepest connections can overcome lingering ghosts from the past. Perhaps the key is not to simply apply a band-aid but to take the time to heal properly, ensuring that both parties are looking to actually move on, and not just find someone to help us carry the weight of our past. Be free! And let the baggage go…
The sunshine peeking through the clouds often follows the most turbulent storms. In chasing the Storm, I discovered that everyone has their burdens, but it’s how we manage them that determines the possibility of true connection. Modern dating might feel like a constant band-aid for past relationships, but with self-awareness and patience, we can move beyond temporary fixes to find lasting love.
You’ll have to keep reading next week, to find out what happened next…
Xoxo,
Alexandria
Something to ponder: What is the biggest baggage that you carry?